The feature was on the legal and emotional issues involved in divorce. It is possible to have a good divorce but for most people it is highly emotional and painful.
You may have been unhappy for a very long period of time and have tried to get your partner to understand how you feel and to get back the closeness you once had. Now, you have grown so far apart that there is no way back”.
- “You say you love them but are not in love with them”
- “Continuous conflict means there is no point in being together”
- “Financial problems make it too difficult”
- ‘Addiction makes being married really hard’
- ‘We have changed and have different outlooks about the future’
It can be really hard to know whether a relationship is worth trying to save or not. It is especially difficult if you have children.
Divorce is more complicated if one of you decides to end the relationship and the other doesn’t think the problems are that bad and feels you could work to save the relationship. It is hard to accept your partners’ decision to separate, but if they definitely want to, you do not have much choice in the matter. This can leave you feeling powerless and in despair.
Counselling may give you the space and time you need to understand the issues involved, to find clarity and help you move forward.
What happens in divorce? Having made the decision to divorce whatever the circumstances, you have invested a major part of your life with your partner and it is a period of immense change that comes with intense emotions. At times you may feel you are on a rollercoaster, you may quickly jump from one state to another, feeling relief, guilt, failure, freedom, sadness, anger or perhaps, should I just stay.
Divorce is experienced as a loss and the most common feeling is overwhelming sadness. You are grieving for, your life, as you knew it, your partner, the marriage, your joint hopes and dreams and the family as you wished it to be.
Fear will be a big feature. Your relationship may have impacted on your security and it is normal to feel scared, anxious or worried about things after your divorce. Can I cope? Will I survive financially? Will I ever meet someone else? It can impact on your physical or mental health and it might be good to speak to your GP.
Anger. Separating can bring anger to the surface. You may have suppressed this for a long time in an effort to try and keep the peace. At different times you may be angry with your ex, your family, your friends, others around you or even with yourself.
Anger is not always negative, it is only so if it is continuous, hurtful or destructive. Anger can also be useful and help empower you through this difficult time and give you the energy and help you cope and address the changes.
What about our Children? Separating from your partner will have a big impact on your life and your children’s lives. How you get through this period and how you resolve difficulties is an important role model for your children’s future relationships. Please consider their feelings and don’t ask them to take sides; don’t lean on your children for support and don’t criticise the other parent.
After consideration is it time to end the relationship? You’re not sure. Then it’s time to talk about your problems. It can be scary to talk to discuss the difficult things and to tell your partner how you’re feeling. It may make your problems feel more real. You may be afraid of starting an argument.
Yes it is time to separate. Divorce can be a positive new start, however, it is emotional and painful. Be patient with yourself and take time to work through the emotions. Find ways to nurture yourself and heal. Take time to get to know yourself and what is important for you in the future.
In either situation, staying together or separating, it might be beneficial to seek outside help such as a counsellor.